The Truth about developing your sexual style
Everything we read nowadays on sex is about how to achieve the best orgasm or how to make your girl squirt or how to be the best lover using a million and one quite useless positions. We don’t believe that the wheelbarrow position is going to induce a greater orgasm for your partner when you are struggling to hold her legs while thrusting into her from behind. What has happened to common sense in the bedroom? What has happened to tapping into our deepest desire for the person in front of us and needing to penetrate them and kiss them with all the vigor that we can muster? As human beings we complicate things… One would think that because we have been having sex for hundreds of years that we would’ve come to the realization that keeping it simple is going to make our lives a hell of a lot easier. In layman’s terms… every time we experience a difficulty in the bedroom, all be it the inability to orgasm, or stress induced erectile dysfunction, or a fear of intimacy we resort to catastrophising about a million and one different things which lead to the conclusion that “I must be experiencing some kind of sexual dysfunction”. Speaking solely about the psychology behind sex, we can assure you that there are far simpler means of becoming the better lover than just applying some techniques that you learn out of a book.
How do you do this you ask?
How do you expect that you going to learn about your body and mind if you don’t give yourself the time and space to explore and understand what both do in unison and separately?
A sportsman spends time with both his body and mind to reach a point of complete harmony and understanding through
To develop a sound sexual style, takes time and effort before a point of harmony can be reached. An example we often use related to men is questioning how they would feel if they lost their erection during sex. The most common answer is experiencing feelings of shame, embarrassment, potential worthlessness and just not being good enough or man enough. Our immediate reaction to their feelings is… Why punish yourself more when clearly there is a valid and appropriate reason for why a man loses his erection. The problem is, because most people are not in balance or harmony with their mind and body, there is an immediate disconnect with knowing where to isolate and locate the problem. Is it in the body or is it in the mind, and when all the catastrophic thinking begins then it becomes a vicious cycle of questioning yourself into a cycle of disrepair.
The mind body split…
The mind body split in the context of sex is based on a trap. Human beings are either living too much in their heads (cognitively) or in our bodies (emotionally). The key is finding a healthy balance where the mind and body are in synch so there is a connection which allows us to be constantly conscious of what is going on in our heads and in our bodies, which allows us to eventually feel more in control of our lives and thinking and feeling.
Making the connection…
As mentioned, we make things more complicated than is necessary in life and most of us are drawn to chaos and self-destruction, which stems from a confused point in our childhoods. Before we learn how to speak we are faced with a simple life… we are our emotions and we relate completely on an emotional level. This is the manner in which we relate and communicate and because we are children we are forgiven for this expected process. However, when we reach a particular age there is an expectation that communication moves from using our natural emotions (happiness, sadness, and anger) to becoming solely about using our linguistic ability to express our underlying feelings. What occurs next is where we “get it wrong”… We become language!
Language as the precursor to who we become…
This language becomes our primary means of expression and it becomes the overriding factor that dictates our success in a world where emotions have become obsolete. No longer is it permissible to express anger and sadness openly like a child does, instead we have to become calculated and fully present in controlling these emotions. When we apply this to our sexuality, we have moved so far away from using our bodies as the means of expression that we turn the volume up in our heads reinforcing our core beliefs (which more often than not are critical and judging) and reinforce this by the language we use.
So what is the solution…
Go back to basics! Begin by asking yourself the reasons why you are wanting to engage sexually with someone?
In essence, we all have the desire for closeness and intimacy and without question the incredible feeling of having a hot naked body pressed against us in its entirety.
There has to be two levels of practice. One level begins with the self and the other is shared in relation to another person. Masturbation is essential for men and women and this is no longer about simply having an orgasm, but instead focusing on the full range sensations and feelings that emerge for the individual. Many of us follow an obsolete belief that it is our partners responsibility to provide us the appropriate level of intimacy and sexual care (including orgasm). This is confusing and pressuring and it is very seldom where two novice lovers can learn from each other to the extent and depth of what I would classify as quality love making.
Know yourself and then learn to know your partner! That is a key to becoming more attuned to being a better lover and more connected with your sexuality. Being more present with yourself and knowing the full range of sexually charged emotions and thought patterns you use to get yourself to a point of arousal, will not only assist in inducing a more rapid state of connectedness and intimacy with your lover, but it will save you time focused on being frustrated with your body.
The orgasm is not the B-all and End-all of sex…
Tasting the breath of your lover… feeling the immensity of their skin against your body… the wondrous sensations emanating from your genitals sending delicious messages and tingles throughout your body is what sex is… The orgasm is just the bonus.
Reaching the point of mind and body alignment, the whole experience of having sex becomes a longer, and more enjoyable process where there is a constant feeling of connectedness with your lover because nothing else matters other than being penetrated or penetrating.
To Do List…
- Do understand the role of your breath when masturbating and having sex
- Do allow yourself to cum whenever your body wants to (early or delayed)
- Do bring yourself to be completely present with your lover through being connected to what your body is doing at all times.
- Do not criticize or force yourself to move away from distracting thoughts because this will make the thoughts more intense–instead bring yourself back to your breath and connectedness with your lover.
- Allow your body to be fluid and be attracted to any area of his or her body that arouses you.
- Don’t be afraid to kiss and caress any area of their body or be afraid of allowing your lover to kiss and caress any area of your own body. By having understood the full range of feelings attached to your beautiful body, each kiss will represent something new and wondrous in your sexual encounter.
- Do induce a sense of intimacy and intenseness by looking deep into your lover’s eyes, or allow yourself to be captivated by the glorious feelings in your body by closing your eyes.
Learn where each-others limitations are and see how far you can develop a level of trust in one another to push your boundaries
The Art of Attractiveness
The word “attractive” always makes me think of classic pinups and beauty queens, but when I really enquire into the word, it holds far more essence and depth to the point where each and every individual on this planet can embrace this one word and change their lives significantly. Not only will this induce change, but lead you towards manifesting abundance in your life.
I believe that one of the goals in this life is to become a more attractive person. What this doesn’t mean, is making the word sound superficial and focus simply on looks… Essentially looks fade and we all age, whereas attractiveness transcends all superficialities and is timeless.
So what makes YOU attractive?
I have named a few categories which I feel are necessary in making you more attractive.
We have all been conditioned to believe we have one personality type and this is something was we have to live with for the rest of our lives. I believe that because we are social animals and we have learned mostly everything through socialisation, our personalities are one such example. What we have been shown (usually by a person who is a secure base for us), is to believe that we have strengths and weaknesses and because there is no “handbook for parents”, our folks just go on instinct and advice and attempt at equipping us with the best tools for living in a quite tricky and at times dangerous world. What happens in this instance is that they strengthen and reinforce our qualities or ‘natural’ abilities instead of focusing on our weaknesses and assisting us into working on our shortcomings to become well rounded individuals. This aim for balance in our personality can be achieved by anyone willing to work on their weaknesses. I guarantee you, spending half an hour a day on personal development will help you achieve this. ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND: that the reason why we go back to using old behaviours is because we haven’t invested enough time at introducing new behaviours and thinking patterns for them to become second nature and ultimately becoming muscle memory.
I absolutely love fashion. I love the fact that the canvas that we are adorning with beautiful things is the human body. Its fascinating to see how people use this either to their advantage in the game of attractiveness or decide to opt out completely (usually because they need some education here too). Style is something that needs to be worked on, to the point of knowing how to dress your body and achieve a look that you feel confident in, which represents your personality. Remember: style is an expression of individualism mixed with charisma, whereas fashion is something that comes after style.
Impeccable manners have historically been a sign of good breeding. Pease forgive the quite bourgeois statement, but this is true in my opinion. Manners are not prescribed only for the rich. On the contrary, good manners should be upheld in a public and personal space at all times. This should be a representation of who you are as a human being. If you feel this is a skill you have not mastered, DO SO! This is not meant to inflate the go and make you sound pompous but instead the intention is to enhance the individual to flow with grace and uphold a poise of absolute attractiveness to others around them.
The general use of the word applies to ones ability to adapt themselves and their behaviour to the conventional requirements of society or a particular environment. This is an art unto itself. The ability to read your environment and the people in it allows you greater access and opportunity in being completely present in the experience and interaction. This can only play to your advantage, as you will experience complete acceptance from others and be remembered as being flexible enough to adapt to any situation. Ones relational ability is a key ingredient to being successful in this world. Take note of your persona, style, thinking and manners of being and adapt them where necessary. In strengthening each skill and mode of relating you will develop yourself into a fully rounded and complete individual.
Every individual on this planet has a choice. And with every choice comes a set of consequences of which we need to take responsibility for. Although there are certain events in this world that we cannot control (e.g. Sudden Death), we always have a choice in how we want to relate to the event. For a moment think what our world would be like if we were all held accountable for all the transgressions that each and every individual in the world made… if that is not enough of a deterrent, think that each and every time you did something morally wrong the closest person to you would be beaten or caused severe harm… No doubt this would make you think twice about doing anything other than leaving a person in a better off position than when you met them last! Making yourself accountable creates an inevitable situation where you will grow immensely on five levels: spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially and socially.
Respect begins with oneself. Unfortunately many of us do not respect ourselves and we develop an underlying belief that we are DESERVING of all the heartache and pain that is inflicted in our lives. The essence of respect is founded on knowing how to soothe and be kind to oneself. Don’t fool yourself… This is not a process of being wrapped in cotton-wool, instead this is knowing and feeling exactly what is needed in your life at that particular point. If you need more stringent boundaries you know how to solidify them or activate strategies to keep you contained, all the way to knowing how to spoil yourself with kindness and goodness when you need it the most. Respect begins with the self and is then applied to others.
Instilling appreciation in your life is one of the most simplistic yet most effective means of creating abundance and converting yourself into an attractive individual. Start each morning the second you wake up with the phrase “thank you for being alive”… Open those curtains and regardless of what the weather is like, take a few minutes to watch in marvel at the magnificence that is our world. Rain or shine this doesn’t matter, the essence of the process is finding the beauty in everything. There is an opportunity to do this in every scenario, because part of this process is learning how to appreciate that even the worst case scenarios have been placed in our paths for us to learn something very significant and life changing. Embrace everything wholeheartedly and we then learn how to face both pleasure and pain in a balanced way.
Being in the moment:
When we live in the past we are prone to depression, when we live in the future we induce anxiety and when we live our lives in the present we are at peace. A motto to live by on many levels, but the most important part is realising that one of the hardest yet most life changing experiences is being able to live in the moment in your entirety. Buddhist monks don’t practice for years because the process is simple, but practice with the intention of reconditioning themselves with the belief (developed from their realisation) that they can be completely in the moment and nothing else matters other than the experience they are having.
As a therapist I am often asked about forgiveness and the mechanism of forgiveness. Please do bear in mind that there is a massive difference between someone being out right stupid in remaining in a situation because you have forgiven their partner/family member/ friend for the transgression or event that has caused you harm, Versus the belief that because you have forgiven them it means you have to stay in the difficult situation. It is essential in being able to trust that YOU have made the best decision for yourself. Forgiveness is an art of letting a painful event go which takes us off the metaphorical hook that often keeps us stuck. We want justice when we are hurt by another, we want soothing and we want things to be made better… Usually from the person that has caused us harm.
I have hurt and been hurt by my own actions and the actions of others and the experience of being hurt is never nice to encounter. But one thing I know for sure that the worst thing I can do is hold on to my pain and resentment and not allow myself to move on. Wish the person well with love and kindness. This is especially difficult when the person has hurt us to the point of wanting to throttle them… Metaphorically that is. MEDITATE on your ability to forgive and embrace techniques like loving kindness meditation to assist you with this, as it can be rather repulsive to meet someone with a well of resentment and bitterness towards others.
I think of boundaries as being particularly applicable to others and in relation to oneself. If we have developed a solid set of boundaries we always know where we stand in relation to others and ourselves, but more importantly, if we are transparent with these boundaries, others very seldom find themselves in conflict with you. Instead what begins to happen, is that you’ve provided others a key bit of information in knowing how to get on with you and engage more intimately. This makes one immensely attractive because there are no longer any games played and if something seems obscure, it can always be clarified because the person with a thought-out set of boundaries will be able to explain themselves and relate in a more effective manner.
Reflect on how your boundaries are and how they differ in each and every context, because, in essence we are not the same in every context and we change, adapt ourselves and often hide who we really are.