The Truth about developing your sexual style
Everything we read nowadays on sex is about how to achieve the best orgasm or how to make your girl squirt or how to be the best lover using a million and one quite useless positions. We don’t believe that the wheelbarrow position is going to induce a greater orgasm for your partner when you are struggling to hold her legs while thrusting into her from behind. What has happened to common sense in the bedroom? What has happened to tapping into our deepest desire for the person in front of us and needing to penetrate them and kiss them with all the vigor that we can muster? As human beings we complicate things… One would think that because we have been having sex for hundreds of years that we would’ve come to the realization that keeping it simple is going to make our lives a hell of a lot easier. In layman’s terms… every time we experience a difficulty in the bedroom, all be it the inability to orgasm, or stress induced erectile dysfunction, or a fear of intimacy we resort to catastrophising about a million and one different things which lead to the conclusion that “I must be experiencing some kind of sexual dysfunction”. Speaking solely about the psychology behind sex, we can assure you that there are far simpler means of becoming the better lover than just applying some techniques that you learn out of a book.
How do you do this you ask?
How do you expect that you going to learn about your body and mind if you don’t give yourself the time and space to explore and understand what both do in unison and separately?
A sportsman spends time with both his body and mind to reach a point of complete harmony and understanding through
To develop a sound sexual style, takes time and effort before a point of harmony can be reached. An example we often use related to men is questioning how they would feel if they lost their erection during sex. The most common answer is experiencing feelings of shame, embarrassment, potential worthlessness and just not being good enough or man enough. Our immediate reaction to their feelings is… Why punish yourself more when clearly there is a valid and appropriate reason for why a man loses his erection. The problem is, because most people are not in balance or harmony with their mind and body, there is an immediate disconnect with knowing where to isolate and locate the problem. Is it in the body or is it in the mind, and when all the catastrophic thinking begins then it becomes a vicious cycle of questioning yourself into a cycle of disrepair.
The mind body split…
The mind body split in the context of sex is based on a trap. Human beings are either living too much in their heads (cognitively) or in our bodies (emotionally). The key is finding a healthy balance where the mind and body are in synch so there is a connection which allows us to be constantly conscious of what is going on in our heads and in our bodies, which allows us to eventually feel more in control of our lives and thinking and feeling.
Making the connection…
As mentioned, we make things more complicated than is necessary in life and most of us are drawn to chaos and self-destruction, which stems from a confused point in our childhoods. Before we learn how to speak we are faced with a simple life… we are our emotions and we relate completely on an emotional level. This is the manner in which we relate and communicate and because we are children we are forgiven for this expected process. However, when we reach a particular age there is an expectation that communication moves from using our natural emotions (happiness, sadness, and anger) to becoming solely about using our linguistic ability to express our underlying feelings. What occurs next is where we “get it wrong”… We become language!
Language as the precursor to who we become…
This language becomes our primary means of expression and it becomes the overriding factor that dictates our success in a world where emotions have become obsolete. No longer is it permissible to express anger and sadness openly like a child does, instead we have to become calculated and fully present in controlling these emotions. When we apply this to our sexuality, we have moved so far away from using our bodies as the means of expression that we turn the volume up in our heads reinforcing our core beliefs (which more often than not are critical and judging) and reinforce this by the language we use.
So what is the solution…
Go back to basics! Begin by asking yourself the reasons why you are wanting to engage sexually with someone?
In essence, we all have the desire for closeness and intimacy and without question the incredible feeling of having a hot naked body pressed against us in its entirety.
There has to be two levels of practice. One level begins with the self and the other is shared in relation to another person. Masturbation is essential for men and women and this is no longer about simply having an orgasm, but instead focusing on the full range sensations and feelings that emerge for the individual. Many of us follow an obsolete belief that it is our partners responsibility to provide us the appropriate level of intimacy and sexual care (including orgasm). This is confusing and pressuring and it is very seldom where two novice lovers can learn from each other to the extent and depth of what I would classify as quality love making.
Know yourself and then learn to know your partner! That is a key to becoming more attuned to being a better lover and more connected with your sexuality. Being more present with yourself and knowing the full range of sexually charged emotions and thought patterns you use to get yourself to a point of arousal, will not only assist in inducing a more rapid state of connectedness and intimacy with your lover, but it will save you time focused on being frustrated with your body.
The orgasm is not the B-all and End-all of sex…
Tasting the breath of your lover… feeling the immensity of their skin against your body… the wondrous sensations emanating from your genitals sending delicious messages and tingles throughout your body is what sex is… The orgasm is just the bonus.
Reaching the point of mind and body alignment, the whole experience of having sex becomes a longer, and more enjoyable process where there is a constant feeling of connectedness with your lover because nothing else matters other than being penetrated or penetrating.
To Do List…
- Do understand the role of your breath when masturbating and having sex
- Do allow yourself to cum whenever your body wants to (early or delayed)
- Do bring yourself to be completely present with your lover through being connected to what your body is doing at all times.
- Do not criticize or force yourself to move away from distracting thoughts because this will make the thoughts more intense–instead bring yourself back to your breath and connectedness with your lover.
- Allow your body to be fluid and be attracted to any area of his or her body that arouses you.
- Don’t be afraid to kiss and caress any area of their body or be afraid of allowing your lover to kiss and caress any area of your own body. By having understood the full range of feelings attached to your beautiful body, each kiss will represent something new and wondrous in your sexual encounter.
- Do induce a sense of intimacy and intenseness by looking deep into your lover’s eyes, or allow yourself to be captivated by the glorious feelings in your body by closing your eyes.
Learn where each-others limitations are and see how far you can develop a level of trust in one another to push your boundaries